An Expiration Date 

As some of you may be aware, I have been dealing with ‘shortness of breath’ issues since 2015. Finally, in this past year, it was properly diagnosed as COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). My particular diagnosis deals more with chronic bronchitis than with emphysema.

At my last breathing test and pulmonologist appointment, my disease was re-staged. I now have stage 3 (severe) COPD, which carries with it something of an expiration date. I now have a 1 in 2 chance of surviving 5 years. And that does not consider my already damaged heart, which this particular disease is known to be very unfriendly to. The symptoms are unpleasant, make life increasingly difficult, and will culminate in my inability to breathe without mechanical assistance (ventilator), assistance which I intend to politely decline. When that day comes, I will hopefully have already signed up for hospice care and a dignified end of life.

So, what is all this like? How do I feel about this eventuality? I was witness and caregiver to my beloved Susan for nearly three years as we navigated her cancer journey. She could not have been more courageous, more giving, or more loving throughout what must have been for her an absolute horror. Following her remarkable example, I have accepted my fate with equanimity. In our culture we try to ignore the fact that we are mortal, but death is part of life, and while I have no idea what comes after life, I am not afraid. For me, it is a kind of ‘radical acceptance’.

I will navigate this new reality by living my life as fully as possible within the limitations imposed by the disease. It is pointless to spend a single minute brooding about this situation. It has happened. The question for the moment is “what will I do now?”, and the answer is that I will continue to be the person I desire to be. A kind and caring and open person who seeks to be a source of light.

There are many, many things to which I will need to attend. I do not want there to be any messes for someone to clean up and will need to make sure that everything is in order at all times. I will need to make sure my customers are taken care of and not left in the lurch. In addition, I’d like to try to have some fun and enjoyment in whatever time remains and will try to attend to that. Places to go, people to see, etc.

I sincerely hope my wonderful friends and family will not feel sorry for me. There is really nothing to feel sorry about. I have lived an amazing life. I have had the privilege of knowing true love, of being witness to the upbringing of three incredible young people, and the absolute joy of watching them each go out into the world and make wonderful lives for themselves. I have known wonderful friends and business associates. So, for me, life seems complete. And there is yet time to perhaps fill in a few things that I’d like to do, and I will endeavor to do so.

So, to all my friends, family, and associates, I love you all, and I hope you will stay close as this particular journey slowly winds its way toward its natural conclusion.

MPC 5-3-2021