The Two of Me

 

The Two of Me

 

            I often wonder if there aren’t two of me. The ‘inside’ me and the ‘outward me’. The latter functions properly, meeting all his obligations, taking care of customers and staying in touch with friends and family. It is part and parcel of a commitment I made after my beloved wife died over 6 years ago. The ‘outward’ me tries very hard to maintain a cheerful demeanor, a positive attitude and the rudiments of a normal life.

The past year as well as the foreseeable future, being swathed in pandemic and economic uncertainty, as well as a considerable amount of political uncertainty, have wrought for me a life of solitude, a loss of tactile human contact, and a stark realization that my inner life is vastly different than the life that I project to the world. In my inner life, my attachment to mortality is tenuous and disinterested at best. I feel as though I am pacing a cage waiting for an end that I wish would come. My ‘real’ life ended on November 28, 2014, when my beloved passed away. A heart full of love that no longer has anywhere to go is a daily feature. The desire to be useful to and consequently valued by my beloved partner who no longer exists is as well a daily feeling.

The “two me’s” exist in opposition to one another. I have no wish to hurt the ones I love by acting in any way to hasten my departure from this mortal coil. Both me’s would consider that sort of behavior as an act of consummate selfishness. Nevertheless, I must, if I am honest, acknowledge that I still miss Susan daily, sorely miss being part of an entity greater than the sum of its parts, and still write lines of verse such as the ones that follow.

 

Dearest one,

The pain of missing you…

   Never seems to pass.

The light you gathered round you

   That you shared with us all

Flickers yet, in memories warm and true.

 

I knew on that awful day

    Watching your spirit slip away

That what we shared

    Was doomed to ne’er repeat

A journey of solitude and sorrow

    To be what remained for me

 

I love you now

   As I did back then

I try to keep your light alive

   To keep your love warm around my heart

Until that sun filled day

   When we can walk again hand in hand.

 

MPC 1-24-2021

 

 

Comments

  1. Nell NocklesJanuary 26, 2021 at 11:17 PM

    What can I say except, I understand, and send you love and a few (virtual) tootsie rolls. Both sides are the product of people who loved you. Reflect their love and play the guitar! Music is in your soul.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Megan BlackJanuary 30, 2021 at 12:16 PM

    This is beautiful, eloquent, heartbreaking. Thank you for your powerful vulnerability. The great spiritual masters would say you are still here because you still have work to do. Perhaps part of that work is sharing your two lives and your journey through devastating loss with such courage and clarity.

    ReplyDelete

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